I love Jeff’s Bucket Shop. Perhaps it’s because they have karaoke and I like forcing my friends to sing “Grease” duets with me. Perhaps it’s because they give you free popcorn. Or perhaps it’s because Jeff’s is full of young go-hards and I like to pretend to be one of them.
No matter the reason, I love Jeff’s and find myself partying there quite frequently.
But after a night of slaying “My Own Worst Enemy” by Lit, playing Naked Photo Hunt and breaking a few bottles of Coors Light on the floor, there’s only one thing I want to do—stuff my drunk face with greasy foods until I hate myself.
It seems like a simple request.
After all, there are plenty of places to get food on Montford. But guess what? None are open past 2am. Well, ok, Wendy’s on Park Road is open. But making your Uber driver stop at the drive-through intercom while you scream your order out the slit of his van window is uncomfortable for everyone involved.
This is why I think we should come together and make drunk-eating history. We should demand that Jet’s Pizza stay open past 11pm and feed us late-night.
Why Jet’s, you ask? Well, first of all, they make pizza. Everyone knows that pizza incorporates all three of the intoxicated food groups: cheese, carbs and cheese. Also, I did some research and found that pepperoni pizza is the most popular drunk food in America. #Science
But Jet’s is more than just pizza. They are located right next door to a place where many Montford-ers end their night. You guessed it; I’m talking about Jeff’s.
Ask anyone and they’ll tell you that Jeff’s is known for their post 1:30am crowd.
I think it’s because very few people are willing to sing Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” without first becoming mind-numbingly inebriated. It’s also basically a basement with the perfect dark lighting for those 1:50am “I better hurry or I’ll have to go home alone” hookups.
If Jet’s were open late-night, droves of drunk people would no longer walk up the stairs at 1:58am and be faced with the harsh reality of a food-less Montford. Instead, they would be greeted by the smell of Jet’s deep-dish pizza and maybe, just maybe, feel a little bit better about their lives.
Oh, by the way, Mr. Jet’s Pizza Montford franchise owner, this would be good for you too.
You don’t have a dining room so drunk people wouldn’t be able to linger. If you still didn’t want people in your store, you could literally set-up a folding table outside and sell pizza slices for twice the daytime price.
People would buy them.
All it takes is staying open for four extra hours and you would no longer be the 12th largest pizza chain in the nation. You would be the 1st. That, my friend, is a freaking promise.
So college kids, young professionals and 28-year-olds who drink like they’re in college but get way more hungover than they ever thought possible: I ask YOU to join this fight.
No longer must we be subjected to leaving the bar early so we can get to the Taco Bell drive-thru before they close at 1:30am.
No longer must we be forced to create a meal out of Chips Ahoy and Funyuns that we bought at the Pop Shoppe gas station.
And no longer must we call Dominos after we get home, only to pass-out and not hear the delivery guy when he rings our doorbell 35 times.
Join me. But don’t do it for me. Don’t do it for Ted. Don’t even do it for yourself.
Do it for your drunk self.
The self who loves to do the stanky leg and buying shots of Ruplemintz for strangers and text “you up?” to your exes. Your drunk self deserves late night pizza from a convenient Montford location. And together, my friends, together, we can make drunk food history.