Welcome to the wild frontier of the Internet. Let’s explore together. Here are some things people do here and what they mean.
Behavior: Replying “interested” to a Facebook invite
Translation: Absolutely not showing up.
Behavior: Replying “going” to a Facebook invite
Translation: Cloudy with an 80% chance of not going.
Behavior: Posting a vague excuse on the wall of a Facebook event to explain why you can’t make it like, “OMG I’m SO bummed I can’t make it to this. I already have plans.”
Translation: Your plans are this…
Behavior: Not replying to a Facebook invite.
Translation: 50% chance of showing up unannounced with your weird friend and without any alcohol to contribute.
Behavior: Unfollowing someone.
Translation: It’s just part of the circle of life. Someone had to go. No hard feelings.
Behavior: Being unfollowed by someone.
Translation: They hate me. Do they hate me? I’m a monster. What did I say in the last 24 hours? Do I offend people? Am I worthy of love? Am I still alive?
JUST KIDDING, ACTUAL TRANSLATION: This is what it’s like to be unfollowed by someone…
Behavior: Muting someone.
Translation: I can’t unfollow you because you’ll see it when you try to DM me again so I’m just turning your volume all the way down to avoid drama.
Behavior: Subtweeting, the act of vaguely talking (read: complaining) about a person or entity without tagging said person or entity so they can join the conversation.
Translation: Ooh burn. You are hilarious and witty but aren’t brave enough to tag the person in question so no one sees it and thus no one cares.
Behavior: Tagging your friend in the same hilarious meme they tagged you in AT THE SAME TIME.
Translation: You are soul mates.
Behavior: Posting an inspirational quote about how strong you are.
Translation: You are a fragile mess right now.
Behavior: Posting fitspiration and/or healthy food photos.
Translation: You’re on the couch like…
Behavior: Your ex liking an Instagram post of you looking fire.
Translation: He/she’s interested (and drunk) but you’re like…
Behavior: Your crush liking an Instagram post of you looking fire.
Translation: He/she’s interested and you’re like…
Behavior: Commenting on an Instagram post but not liking it.
Translation: An attempt to support the shady and/or embarrassing things you like while preventing your shady and/or embarrassing behavior from popping up in your friends’ “Following” activity notifications. For example, no one needs to know that “katie_levans liked 8 photos” if they’re all of kittens and Kardashians. That’s between me and the kittens and the Kardashians.