8 things no one tells you about pregnancy

8 things no one tells you about pregnancy
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Hey guys, I’m pregnant. This is my first pregnancy and I have to say, I feel very unprepared.

I heard about the fatigue, the increased appetite, and the big boobs.

But you guys left a lot out.

Like how sometimes pregnancy feels like someone attached a water hose to your belly button and then turned it on at full blast? I would have liked to have been prepared for that.

Here are eight other things no one tells you about being pregnant:

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1. “Morning sickness” is not an accurate term.

Before pregnancy, I imagined morning sickness as a minor inconvenience. Like, “Oh no! My tummy hurts when I wake up, hehe.”

Not even close. Instead, imagine the worst hangover you’ve ever had. Your 12 tequila shots and a dance floor make-out at Gin Mill hangover. Now imagine having that hangover from the time you wake up until the time you go to sleep, for seven weeks. I’m not trying to scare you; I’m just trying to prepare you for when you’re reenacting “The Exorcist” in random toilets (and parks and trashcans and alleyways) across Charlotte.

2. Random people will try to tell you what to do.

What is it with women over 55 telling me their opinions on epidurals? Ma’am, I think I’ll make this important decision with my doctor and not in the Fresh Market parking lot.

3. You might feel like you’ve never worked out before.

I took a Burn Bootcamp class a few weeks after finding out I was pregnant. The baby was barely the size of a kidney bean and this was my normal workout routine. What could be different?

Everything. I was so out of breath after the five-minute warmup that I almost walked out. After this humbling experience, I realized that growing a kid is no joke. Some days I’m able to exercise and other days my body demands three hours on the couch with a bag of mini marshmallows.

4. You’re going to feel really bad for being such a b*tch to your mom in high school.

Is it just me or do you get a whole new appreciation for your mom when you’re pregnant? She dealt with all this crap and then got a door slammed in her face for not letting me go to the unsupervised bonfire at Steve’s house?

All I have to say is, I’m sorry, Fran.

5. You might be able to stay on your anxiety meds.

A year ago, I found a therapist and started treatment with one goal: to get off my anxiety meds. If you can’t take ibuprofen when you’re pregnant there’s no way you take Prozac, right? Wrong. My OB surprised me and listed out the meds that are on the pregnancy OK list and my BFF Prozac was on there.

Obviously, everyone is different, so talk to your doctor, but I’m pretty pumped to not have to face my pregnancy (or a global pandemic) without some extra serotonin.

6. People are going to be obsessed with the gender of your fetus.

“Boy or girl?” is something you’re going to be asked constantly after announcing your pregnancy. I get it, people are excited, but why does it matter if I have a little penis or a little vagina growing inside me? All that matters is that this kid is healthy. And that they have an amazing sense of humor.

7. It’s not that easy to get pregnant.

Maybe it’s because I’m in my 30s, but getting pregnant isn’t as easy as you thought it was in 10th grade when you heavy-petted in a hot tub and then frantically took a pregnancy test in a Wendy’s bathroom the next day. I won’t go into detail, but you know that meme with Zach Galifianakis from the Hangover where he has math equations popping up all around his head? That’s basically what it was like trying to get knocked up.

8. This is a hard time for women who are still trying.

It’s fun to complain about pregnancy; it’s my new favorite hobby. But every time I’m bent over a toilet at 2 a.m., I try to think about the women in my life who would love to be in my shoes. This is especially important to remember as many women’s fertility treatments have been paused due to COVID-19. Be happy, be respectful, and most of all, be thankful, even when times are rough.

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