I got a new hip and lost myself in the process

I got a new hip and lost myself in the process
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I’ve always been the athletic big girl.

The big girl who could run half marathons and do crow pose and keep up with some of the “sports bras are a shirt” girls in bootcamp. I was proud of my body and how it could do things that no one ever expected of it.

But ever since my hip injury last May, I haven’t felt like myself.

I had a hip deformity, and months worth of pain before I was able to get it fixed with surgery. The deformity is gone, but now so is the trust I had in my body. The trust that I could push myself and that my body would rise to the challenge.

I’m no longer the athletic big girl who was proud of her body.

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Now I’m just the big girl.

mary gross hip surgery

After surgery I was prepared for the pain. What I wasn’t prepared for was how hard it would be to lose such a big part of who I am.

When I was stressed or mad or bored, I would run. I would turn on a true crime podcast and put some miles between me and my problems.

Today? I sit. I do a few PT exercises. But I mostly sit, waiting to be better. Waiting to be me again. Waiting to see if I’ll ever be able to get back to the way I was before my body failed me.

And I know I’m not some pro-athlete sidelined for life and out of a career. I didn’t lose a limb. I’m just a regular person who got a regular surgery. But I can see now that while doctors are there to handle the physical side of each patient’s recovery, there’s so much more that needs healing. Even for us regular people.

So now when people ask how my recovery is going, I smile and tell them, “Everything’s going great! I feel more like myself every day!”

I guess I’m hoping that if I say it enough, I’ll actually start to believe it.

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