It’s pool season in Charlotte. That means it’s time to meet these 10 stalwarts of the apartment complex pool community.
(1) The group who brought their own speaker
Even though the pool already has a speaker system, this group refuses to drink from the public sound fountain.
Instead of hearing generic summer pop music, they want to listen to a different playlist of generic summer pop music.
They don’t care that they’re giving everyone a headache mixing Lil Nas X and the Chainsmokers. The only thing that matters is that they show everyone else at the pool what great taste in music they have.
(2) Dad bod guy with impossibly hot girlfriend
It’s the classic Fred and Wilma couple.
The guy is a former SEC athlete who totally would’ve gone pro if not for a knee injury. These days, he’s spending more time around chocolate chips than championships. But his girlfriend looks like she spends half her day at Burn Boot Camp and the other half at NoDa Yoga.
She’ll sip a Truly while he crushes no less than ten Coors Lights, taking smiling selfies all the way through.
(3) Girl with way more guests that she’s allowed to have
Even though the leasing agreement clearly states no more than two guests per resident. This girl walks up with no less than nine people.
How’d she sneak them all past concierge?
(4) Extremely drunk guy hitting on every woman
He’s been drinking since 10 a.m. and now he’s lookin’ for love.
Check his technique when he walks up to two women and asks “Do you ladies mind if I cannonball here? I don’t want to accidentally splash you.” Never mind that he could easily just cannonball in some other part of the pool. It’s about breaking the ice.
(5) Wait, is that guy smoking pot?
It looks like weed. It smells like weed. It could be CBD flower or maybe a pre-rolled cigarette, but you’ve never seen someone hold a cigarette with their thumb and index finger.
You’re not offended, just surprised.
Marijuana is more relaxed than it’s been in the past, but you can’t just, like, smoke it at the pool. Can you?
(6) Older gay couple that makes you believe in true love
Their hair is gray. They each have their own book. They hold hands in two separate beach chairs as they enjoy their golden years together, occasionally laughing or sharing stories from work.
Maybe true love really does exist. They certainly make a case for it.
You’ll long for some far off time when all the games and swiping are over and you’ve finally settled down with your own pool partner for life.
(7) Woman who’s been tanning so long she might actually be dead
She literally hasn’t moved an inch in about four hours.
(8) Complex security guard who does absolutely nothing about any of the rule violations
Despite the fact that there’s glass bottles, overcrowding, and apparently someone smoking a blunt, this security guard isn’t paid enough to care about any of it.
He’ll do a lazy lap around the perimeter, check his phone for a few seconds, and then walk back into the building. He’s about as effective as an NFL referee.
(9) Woman in like… a really small bikini
She looks great in it, and she can wear whatever she wants, of course. It’s just eye-catchingly small.
Good for her. She clearly works hard on her figure and invests in great swimwear. Just don’t be a perv about it, like the drunk guy is about to do.
Warning if you’re at the pool with your girlfriend: you’re not allowed to notice this woman’s bikini before your girlfriend points it out to you first. Trust me on this one.
(10) The parents trying to teach their kid to swim
This is neither the time nor the place for a swimming lesson, but like most parents, this couple is oblivious to needs of anyone other than their child.
#3 is going to have to herd her nine guests to a different part of the pool while little Declan learns how to doggy paddle.
The parents will even go as far as to ask #1 to “play something with a little less cursing in it.”