“Seinfeld” is my favorite TV show of all time.
The antics of Jerry, George, Kramer and Elaine not only revolutionized television, but it also helped to immortalize its setting: New York City.
What made the show special was that it wasn’t special. It was just a slice of life for four neurotic 30-somethings living and dating in a major city. It must’ve been cool to be a New Yorker and watch streets, public transit lines and neighborhoods you knew spring to life on “Seinfeld.”
Maybe Charlotte will get its turn one day. But until it does, here’s what I think “Seinfeld” would look like if it brought its double-dippers, close-talkers and pimple-poppers to Charlotte.
(1) Jerry meets an amazing woman at Crave but forgets to get her number. He goes back the next night and can’t remember which one he met because they all dress the same.
(2) Kramer tries to force 704 Shop to add 980 merchandise. “It’s discrimination, Jerry!”
(3) The gang waits for a table at the Crunkleton. Jerry is uncomfortable because his ex is the hostess. George believes the bartender is intentionally ignoring him. Elaine has a dramatic 20-minute fling with a man at the bar who turns out to be married. Kramer won’t stop suggesting new menu items to a bored manager. Eventually they give up and go to Bang Bang Burger moments before their table is ready.
(4) Elaine ruins her new promotion at Wells Fargo when she goes on a rant about how much she hates craft beer, not knowing her new boss is part-owner of a new brewery.
(5) Elaine begins wearing Fit Atelier to trick a guy she likes into thinking she attends Burn Boot Camp.
(6) George refuses to go to Common Market because he thinks he isn’t cool enough, even though they make the best sandwiches in the city. He decides to cover himself in temporary tattoos to fit in more.
(7) Kramer rediscovers the nexus of the universe when he finds himself at the corner of Queens and Queens.
(8) Kramer rents an Uptown apartment just for the parking deck passes, which he scalps on the sidewalk each morning.
(9) Jerry discovers that he is often the butt of jokes on Charlotte’s Reddit sub. We later discover that Newman is one of the sub’s moderators.
(10) Kramer starts a controversial “Bring Back to Bobcats” campaign, even convincing Kemba Walker to join. Michael Jordan bans him from all future Hornets games.
(11) George finally tries the Pisces all-you-can-eat sushi lunch special, but becomes furious when they try to charge him for a piece he didn’t finish.
(12) Jerry’s breaks up with his girlfriend because she won’t stop shortening neighborhood names. “I can’t take it anyMoRA!”