Every city has its fair-share of annoying people, but we all know that Charlotte has its very own special brand of obnoxious humans.
Here are the 15 most annoying types of Charlotteans, ranked.
#15 The Fair-Weathered Fan
In August and September, they bleed Panther’s blue. Their house is covered in black and blue flags, they own the perfect Panther’s tailgate RV and even their license plate is a constant reminder to ‘Keep Pounding.’ But after a series of losses and a sexist press conference, the Fair-Weathered Fan claims they never thought the Panther’s were going to be that good anyway. This is about the same time they start rooting for their original home team from whatever city they lived in before Charlotte.
#14 The 5th Generation Local
The grocery store. The Hornet’s game. The bathroom line at Connolly’s. You can’t go anywhere with a 5th Generation Local without them stopping to have a 20 minute conversation with their second cousin, their best friend from pre-school or their second cousin’s best friend from pre-school.
#13 The Brewery Fashionista
The Brewery Fashionista wouldn’t be caught dead on Sycamore’s patio without her $695 embellished jacket, leather leggings (sorry PETA) and wedge boots all made complete with a large floppy hat and sunglasses so she can remain sexy and mysterious. It took her three and a half hours to perfect this look just to drink half a beer, complain that it’s too hot and then go home.
#12 The Ballantyne Defenders
“Why do you have to make fun of Ballantyne? It’s a great place to raise a family!” says every Ballantyne Defender that given one glass of Chardonnay will tell you that they would live in Myers Park if they could afford it.
#11 The Cocky Creative
The Cocky Creative knew about NoDa eight years before anyone thought to open an over-priced popsicle shop there. They can’t remember the last time they left the house without their moleskin notebook. And they love to mention that they’re going to an obscure show at the Fillmore later. Meanwhile, I’ll be at Buffalo Wild Wings; the one place that I know I’ll never have to bump into this insufferable human again.
#10 The Commercial Real Estate Guy
Nobody knows what he actually does, but his new BMW, golf chatter and “starter home” in Dilworth make me think that I should have gotten into the commercial real estate game even though the only property I’ve ever owned was on a Monopoly board.
#9 The Do-Gooder
Oh you spent your Saturday feeding rescue kittens, donating your entire closet, picking up litter on the Greenway and live-twitted the entire experience? That’s great. I slept until noon and just ordered Ben and Jerry’s from Postmates because I needed Chunky Monkey but also hate putting on a bra and pants. (They constrict blood flow.)
#8 The Overly-Intense Crossfitter
The Overly-Intense Crossfitter won’t be making it to happy hour tonight, he’s working on his core. Plus, he would never pass-up the opportunity to push a tractor tire on a public sidewalk during rush-hour so half of Charlotte can see how strong he is. He loves to talk about how he hasn’t eaten anything but boiled chicken for three years and he will continue to insist that even though he does nothing other than work out, he’s not in a cult. Seriously, it’s not a cult.
#7 The Instagramming Parent
Guys, it’s VITAL that the Instagramming Parent captures the perfect 100+ like Instagram pic of their child in the pumpkin patch/park swing/rocks at Olde Meck. I mean, if they didn’t, how else would we all know that they’re such an involved parent?
#6 The Charlotte Hater
“Ugh, it’s so much better in [enter any other city name here.]” The Charlotte Hater despises every restaurant, every sporting event, every brewery. They can be found making no attempt to have fun at establishments such as Wooden Robot, Workman’s Friend and even Ri Ra’s. Quick question for the Charlotte Hater: If you hate Charlotte so much, why don’t you do us all a favor and leave?
#5 The Eternal Frat Boy
We all know this guy. He’s the UNC frat boy who is now a 32-year-old frat man. You can’t find him without his backwards Titleist hat, Patagonia fleece, grey New Balance sneakers and a fist full of Bud Light bottles. He frequents Montford just to buy Fireball shots for 22-year-old girls who make him feel young again and he usually ends his night at Libretto’s sharing a pizza with no one other than his giant ego.
#4 The Parent’s Payroll Millennial
$14 City Lights cocktails on a $45,000 salary? “I’ll take another,” says the Parent’s Payroll Millennial who has no school debt, car payment, cell phone payment or insurance payment because their parent’s pick up the tab. They just don’t understand why their non-savvy financial friends can’t budget as well as they do.
#3 The Aggressive Driver on 77
We’re all sitting in stopped traffic on 77 but Mr. Aggressive Driver believes that he is such a superior motorist than everyone else on the road that he, and only he, can beat this traffic. He will weave his souped-up Mazda 3 between lanes like he’s Richard Petty and don’t even try to leave more than three inches between you and the car in front of you because he will cut you off because he HAS SOMEWHERE TO BE.
#2 The Beer Snob
Have you ever tried to explain to the Beer Snob that it’s possible to enjoy a NoDa Hop Drop and Roll and a Bud Light depending on the setting? If you have, you were probably told that Bud Light is so bland that it’s like drinking water. Well, I think the Beer Snob is wrong because I’ve had water. And I can’t get drunk off water.
#1 The Charlotte Know-It-All
The Charlotte Know-It-All is always the first one to correct your local news summary, tell you the 10-day weather forecast (thanks Brad) or give you a half hour debrief on the “hip” restaurant opening that you didn’t ask about. Oh, and she can’t BELIEVE that you haven’t heard about the new brewery opening up next door since the news broke over 49 seconds ago.